Sean Connery in The Hunt For Red October and The Untouchables

In both two films he’s meant to be Russian (The Hunt For Red October) and Irish (The Untouchables) both times he butchers the accent by soundly convincingly Scottish, he actually sounds like a stereotypical Scotsman, a bagpipe playing, haggis eating, thistle loving, kilt wearing, Porridge eating Highlander. Note to casting agents never ever cast Sean Connery as anything other than Scottish he just sounds stupid, very stupid. On the topic of Irish accents Tom Cruise in Far and Away was equally bad as was Julia Roberts in one of her sh*t films when she played an Irish women, I can’t remember the name 90% of her films blur into one for me.

Don Cheadle in Oceans 11, 12 & 13

When I came up with this list, this was the first accent that came to my mind, wtf was he thinking, I really like Don Cheadle as well, out of a number of sh*tty cockney accents he takes the biscuit, you couldn’t even try to sound as bad as he did. It was so bad someone should have said Don you sound like a prat, move to Mile End for a few weeks and pick up the accent. ‘Old on to yer knickers’ he was an inadvertent comedy genius in those three films. Johnny Depp’s and Heather Graham’s cockney accents in From Hell were bad but they were nothing compared to Cheadles.

Kevin Costner in Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves

To be fair to Kevin Costner I don’t think he even tried to put on an English accent let alone a Nottingham accent when playing Robin Hood. He’s only my list for continually pronouncing Nottingham as Noddingham, straight fail. It was so bad I wanted Robin Hood to die.

Tommy Lee Jones in Blown Away

As an Irishman the varying accent is dear to my heart, many actors have butchered it, but no one has butchered it to the extent of Tommy Lee Jones in Blown Away. He just sounds like he had his teeth pulled out.

Pete Postlethwaite in The Usual Suspects

I just want to put it out there that I think Pete Postlethwaite is a great actor, but for this film I dunno what he was doing, I can’t even put my finger on what accent he was meant to be portraying, it’s a modern mystery, was he Indian, Russian, Croatian, Martian no one knows.

Richard Gere in The Jackal

Another crap Irish accent, to be honest I’ve never really liked Richard Gere he seems too smug, the fact he knows he’s got everyone under 30’s mother on lock-down he just exudes the real definition of motherf*cker. I know he does a lot of charity work and has done a lot for the Buddhist monks so I feel slightly bad for disliking him, yet whenever I feel too bad for disliking him I go back and watch The Jackal which justifies it again.

Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker’s Dracula

This isn’t surprising to be fair, Keanu Reeves doesn’t really act, he’s good at being completely emotionless and that’s about it, in fact he should just play an emotionless mute from now on. His role in Bram Strokers Dracula was his highest achievement in fail-hood. When I die and hopefully, if God’s got a sense of humour go to heaven I will want to know a few mystery’s for example are there intelligent beings outside of our planet, what’s in Area 51, how were the Pyramids built and most importantly why does Keanu Reeves keep getting cast in films.

Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta

Every man in the world has a thing for Natalie Portman, for me that was almost crushed by her accent in V For Vendetta, she should be banned from England forever unless it’s to see me.

Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins

This is the Grandad of bad accents, I’ve probably seen Mary Poppins a load of times when I was younger but I couldn’t actually remember the accent, my Mum swore to me it was really bad, she’s the most un-judgemental person I know so I took her word on it, I had a quick search on Youtube for it and god damn is it bad, real bad!

Angelina Jolie in Alexander

I almost forgave her due to the fact that she looked so good in the film. Even her supreme beauty couldn’t cover up her sh*tty accent though, it’s actually indescribable.

Honourable mentions

Michael Myers as Shrek

Ray winstone in The Departed

Cate Blanchett in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Brad Pitt in Seven Years In Tibet

Jason Stratham in The Transporter

Gerard Butler in PS I Love You

Forrest Whitaker in The Crying Game